How to stop feeling anger and resentment and find peace while going through infertility

I believe that out of all the emotions, some of the most difficult emotions to manage while going through infertility are anger and resentment.

When we feel angry and resentful, it feels different in our body. It is very energetic. It is hard to hold and it can be very uncomfortable.

When I'm working with people to try to help them release some of these emotions, usually I'm redirecting them to themselves.

When you're feeling angry and resentful, you're often feeling like life is unfair.

You might think when talking to someone “I can't believe they said that; I can't believe they did that.”

“Why aren't they showing absolute compassion and empathy for me and what I'm going through?”

And although that might be true, we can't always change how other people are going to show up in our lives.

Why is everyone getting pregnant but me?

When you're asking yourself that question, “why is everyone getting pregnant but me,” I want you to be really mindful about what questions, statements or comments you're saying in your head.

What will often happen is someone who's going to say, “why me, something must be wrong with me.

I must be missing something.

I must have done ______.”

Be careful because when we don't have answers, we look to fill in the blanks.

That's what we do, and it’s completely natural.

It's really smart to fill in the blanks, but try to do that with a professional, try to do that with a reproductive endocrinologist.

If you try to solve that problem in your head, where I notice most of my patients will go is right to self-blame and that we know is not going to help you solve if there is even is a problem with you struggling to get pregnant.

The why me questions always lead to online searching.

If you do decide to Google, stick to two resources. The American Society of Reproductive Medicine and the Society of Assisted Reproductive Technology are two, science-backed websites with lots of information about infertility and fertility treatment.

You're going to find some great information and the latest literature, and that should help you understand a little bit more about the fertility space.

Remember, loss and grief can show up at times like this. It doesn't have to be just alongside actually losing someone. So keep that in mind as it relates to how you're treating yourself and how you're processing this pain.

How to move through difficult emotions like resentment and anger

So how are you going to help yourself in this situation? How are you going to move through such difficult emotions like resentment and anger?

Usually that's when I work with people individually to figure out what is something that helps you get through a difficult emotion.

Is it mindfulness? Is it a relaxation exercise?

Is it going outside? Is it moving? Is it breathing?

Is it getting support from people who you do feel get it so important that you have something that you can do yourself in those moments that can help you not eliminate the feeling?

At least decreasing those negative emotions can allow your body to feel like you're more comfortable. Emotions are typically not inside of us at intense degrees all day long.

They come and go and working with helping you ride through those emotions is the key.

What to do if you don’t feel like you’re being supported by others

Now let's bring other people into the mix. There are some things that you can do if you're feeling like you're not being as supported by loved ones while going through infertility.

One thing that can really help anger and resentment is advocacy. Really think about what do you need and what can you ask for now?

The worst that could happen is someone says no, they won’t show up for you that way.

It never hurts to ask.

If they don’t want to support you, then perhaps they are not part of the support network you need.

How to feel at peace with your infertility

So when you're trying to find peace through this process, you're going to find yourself going in two different rooms.

One room is worrying about the future. You might notice you’re dwelling and ruminating over all the “what ifs.”

What if, what if this happens? What if that happens? What if it never happens?

Another space you'll be in just, you'll be in a place of your history, worrying about if history is going to repeat itself. That could be true, it can happen.

If you had a pregnancy loss, that could be true if you were just so for so many times unsuccessful and conceiving, or even unsuccessful at fertility treatment, you might find yourself constantly in this room.

If you’re in either of these rooms, pull yourself out of these spaces and be in the present.

Accept whatever feelings are coming your way in the moment.

Be kind to yourself and pull away from any self, any harmful negative self-statements.

You're also going to need to acknowledge that society may be putting a lot of pressure on you and determining your worth around reproduction. Pull away from those narratives and those teachings.

Your worth is not in your ability to reproduce.

You may also find peace in knowing some alternatives to family building and exploring those.

And that might even include being child-free for some.

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