How to get over the Grief of Pregnancy Loss

I am sometimes asked, “Linda, how do I get over this grief?” and I always share - “I'm not sure your grief has a limit. Grief is one of those emotions that doesn't have any limits”.

People can move through grief, they can even feel better amid grief, over time. However, grief can also show back up, and sometimes quite suddenly.

Like any emotional experience or pain, it can find its way back.

How to get over grief after pregnancy loss

It might sound strange, but I always recommend that you try to build a relationship with your grief to minimize it, not push it away.

It is ok to not be ready to process that grief, but acknowledging that it’s there is the first step in building that relationship.

Processing grief is very much about timing; many people need time to prepare themselves.

It is good to remember that grief has no limits, including the time and place it can show back up. Rember that also, grief has no limits as to how you need to nurture it.

Look to others when you’re ready to process your grief

If you've never gone through an experience, especially an emotional experience like loss, you might be looking around and thinking, “How's everybody else getting through this?”

That's okay, it can be helpful to look to others in your world and see how are they moving through something similar.

There is no wrong or right way to process your grief, and you might find something that helps while another just doesn’t sit right.

But just remember, if one grieving method you witness is not a match for you, it’s not the only way to process your emotion. How you build a relationship with your grief and work on your healing through grief is going to be entirely up to you.

A note about shame and pregnancy loss

Looking to others is one way of processing while sharing with others about your loss is another.

It’s worth noting that when it comes to sharing about your loss, often shame, pregnancy loss, and grief can become intertwined.

Several of my patients will choose not to share openly about their pregnancy loss.

That’s okay. I always encourage them to share with at least one or two people to start, and they typically do, but they're typically not sharing it with everyone. Sharing your experience can be a way to begin the grieving process.

Certain people just don't really don't want to share their loss with a large group of people.

They're feeling really vulnerable. and want to feel more protected, and that’s okay.

And then there's a good amount of people I work with who just “know.”

There is a possibility of a lot of judgment from their community when it comes to pregnancy loss, and they don't want sign up for that.

They know that there are a lot of people in their lives who might not be able to support them during this time and the way that they need to be supported.

If you know, you know.

I never push my patients to tell anyone they don't want tell. What I do encourage is that they check in with their insight and know that their insight is usually right.

You're not trying to keep a secret necessarily. You may just be keeping it private because you may not have the people you need in place to support you during this time.

If you think the people in your support network are not the right ones for you, you might find our article on how to set boundaries helpful.

Have self-compassion while grieving your loss

As you work through grief, shame and the feeling of being unworthy often can show up.

Think about all the messages you've probably heard over your life about your role in reproduction and about your responsibility in reproduction.

It can be different for everyone. Not only could you be having external messages around that growing up, but now shame maybe an internal message that you are working through. That can really complicate pregnancy loss for you and how you're emotionally processing it.

So think about the messaging that not only you've heard, but now you have made about yourself that you need to change.

Think about “what do I do if I feel ashamed about my loss?”

Research tells us one of the best things to do to combat shame is self-compassion. In a time when you're grieving, how do you integrate slowly and easily, just in small ways to build in self-compassion with yourself so you can begin to talk to yourself differently?

Not, “am I good enough?”

Not “did I do something wrong, but I did nothing wrong.”

Instead, I'm doing my best. I so appreciate myself for who I am, what I'm trying to do.

Whatever it is, find a way to change that conversation with yourself, because we can't always rely on the conversations we have with others.